I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
