Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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