after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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