the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
