is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
