I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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