Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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