Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
