Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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