I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize