why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize