My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
