Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
