so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
