Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
