Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
