i permit you to call me
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
