Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
