every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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