so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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