uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dignity is for republicans.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
