Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
