Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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