keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize