Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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