I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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