I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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