I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
