life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Randomize
