I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
