It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
