what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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