tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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