omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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