It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize