My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize