Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
my nose is crying tears of wow.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
