Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
