Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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