Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
