Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
