If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
