i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
