Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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