can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
