i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
