when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Come share oat with me in your robe
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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