there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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