TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
