I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
