She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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