I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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