My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
