I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
