Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
