it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
operation have a gay friend backfired
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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