I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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