Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
