Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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