i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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