Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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