Have you finally orgasmed yet?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
