I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
