haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
im having a threesome with these popsicles
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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