Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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