Pants 0. Shit 1.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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